As time goes on more and more, I wonder what the hell I am doing with myself. Quite clearly, I want nothing more than to be in a successful band and I am giving everything to do that. But sometimes it just seems like everything is working against me. Every time there is a positive or any sort of up side things start to fall apart and it looks like it's going to hell. I just hope that things take a turn for the better. I don't know how much longer I can put forth effort when it's just being wasted.

Other worldly news.

I went to Cici's pizza yesterday and it was fantastical. It was just as good as I remembered in Florida. Although, I was slightly disappointed by the lack of an icing bottle thing. haha. But it was still worth the hour and a half drive.

My hockey team had a terrible start for the season. We started 1-9. However, we finished strong and ended 12-12. We finished 7th place in the league out of 10. We would have climbed another spot or two but lost two games due to some scheduling conflicts. We started the playoffs last night. We beat my old team and got out first shut out. We won 4-0. Our next game is on June 2nd at 9:10 against the Bulldogs. It shall be interesting.

I'm dying to start getting my tattoos. I've waited this long, almost 5 years now and am getting more and more impatient. I am just deciding what I am getting first and what is going where. I know that once I start that I will not want to stop and it will go from shoulder to elbow.. shoulder to elbow.. chest.. and then I will want to just finish my arms. I have so many ideas going through my head. 

Agh. To close, I want a 2010 Camaro more than life itself. Any one interested in purchasing a half tainted soul for approximately $40,000. I am interested in selling.

Okay.. So I didn't get one every day. I fail. Here are two for today.

I've been made aware that April is National Poetry Month and being a writer that has essentially lost his way entirely. I think that I'm going to try to make a goal for myself of posting a poem of sorts, a day for all of April. I guess we'll see how it goes. I haven't been writing at all. I find it harder and harder to write as the days go on. Maybe I just need to sit down and make sure that I get something done to get back into the groove of it. I don't know really. I just do know that I haven't been writing lately and it's frustrating. It's not that I don't ever try to. It's just that I can't. I've been having a really hard time formulating ideas and writing down what's on my mind. It's like my mind is constantly scrambled and every idea I have separates in my head before it can materialize on paper.

Well, not that this will make a difference in any way, shape or form. But this is my first entry from my iMac. I just thought it should be noted. Because this thing is pretty fantastic.

Anyhow. Onwards with life.

 I'm not quite sure what I am doing with it still. But I'm content with myself at least. For a while, I wasn't sure who I was and I wasn't sure if I liked being here. But really, I don't know where I would be if I wasn't lost. So I've more or less just come to accept it with confidence. That was a big part of my problem for a while because I lacked confidence big time. Now, however, it's not really a problem because I just don't care. 

In the past, I'm sure that it had something to do with the fact that I gained like 40 lbs over the past two years and that I was just lost, both within myself and within life itself. I had no direction and I just wasn't sure what was going on and where it was going. That is pretty scary. It's not that I know where I am going now. I just have kind of accepted that I am lost and that its time that I get over that. I'm doing what I can to learn from my mistakes and move forward. I have to move on from some things that I regret. I have to forgive people and their mistakes and I have to take a new outlook on a lot. 

I stand somewhere in between the balance of it all. Over the past four months I have lost almost 30 lbs. And I am feeling a bit more secure with myself and a fuck ton more confident. I've started to move on from the past. I am working on getting over a few things and I am working on learning from the mistakes I made that put me in tough predicaments. 

On a positive note, my band has a name finally. Our band name is Searchlight Rescue. Things are shaping up nicely. We are going to start practicing more frequently.. 2 to 3 times a week.  And hopefully everyone will start to take things more seriously. I am really happy with the way things are going. For a little while, I wasn't sure if it was going to be worth all of the headaches it has caused over the past year or so. But things are looking up. I'm excited and anxious. I really want people to hear the stuff that we are working on.

Aside from that, I really need to take vocal lessons. I want to learn how to sing properly more than anything. 

Lastly, In a moment of pure boredom, I went through my Facebook, Myspace, and AIM and deleted anyone's screen names and any friends that I don't talk to or that I haven't talked to in a while. So if somehow, you're reading this and got deleted and actually care.. Feel free to re-friend me. But otherwise, goodbye.

I really want to move to Florida for a little while.

The idea randomly came up when I was looking up shore houses. I just wanted to compare the costs of here and there. And well, it's pretty ridiculous.

In Wildwood, for roughly $1500, I can get one of two houses. One of which would be shared with 7 other people. One of which would be shared with 5 other people. The four bedroom, would be a tiny one floor house right off of the boardwalk. Each room has bunk beds that would be shared. The kitchen is tiny and so is the living room. But it's right on the boardwalk. However, that means no parking. And there is only one air conditioning unit. Anything over $50 for our electric bill we must pay. The other house is a little bit further away. That house, I would again get one floor.  It would be three bedrooms with single beds. We would have a slightly larger living room but a tiny kitchen still. Parking wouldn't be as big of a problem but still it isn't easy to park in Wildwood. Both houses also want a big security deposit. So we are looking at roughly $1800 a person.

In Florida, the rent is between $1600 and $1800 a month for what is essentially a mansion. It is unbelievable. You get your own screened in, heated pool. It would be 6 people on a 6 month lease. Which is, $1600-$1800 for 6 months in Florida in a house that is heaven sent. Each house has a 2 to 3 car garage and outside parking. Everyone gets their own large bedroom. The houses are within 20 minutes of Disney. And within 10 minutes of Kissimee which pretty much has everything under the sun. Including a Cici's Pizza. haha

It's quite evident that I prefer Florida to the Shore. But I am entertaining the idea of the shore. Maybe it won't be so bad.. I just can't get the idea of living in Florida for 6 months like a king more or less. It just seems like what I need at this point in my life.

I guess we'll see how things go tomorrow. I am going down the shore to look at houses with a few friends from work. Maybe it will sway me back to New Jersey.. but right now.. if I had my way.. my sails would be set for Orlando.

More on the matter at 11. For now, I have work to do.

So.. lately I've succumbed to a terrible case of writer's block. I sit to write down and nothing comes out.. and whatever jabber does happen to come out. Sounds terrible and is bland and generic. I need to fix that somehow.

Hmph.

We got our first real snow of the season. It's glorious. We played ice hockey at the rink tonight with a pair of RRPHL games. I must say that, playing ice hockey in the snow may be the greatest thing ever. It's an incredible experience that really, won't happen very often.

Well, instead of making another post. I figured I would just update this one. 

We got another little snow storm. We got what the news says, was 10". (Looks like much less, but they're the "experts"). Which is pretty incredible. We were at work when the snow started really coming down. It was amazing how there was nothing on the ground. Nothing was accumulating. And then out of nowhere, it was just there. It was great. We had a series of snowball fights. It was a lot of fun. Not quite as good as the previous rink snowball fight. But it was pretty awesome.

We had a battle on the ground and then we had some snipers from up on the plaza.

We need to get a giant snowball war going on the plaza.

It would be epic.

I find that I am frequently late. I am not necessarily saying that I am late getting somewhere, though I am on occasion. I am more or less late to everything.

If I'm talking to a chick, she just met a guy. If I have plans to do something, someone else is already doing it. I find that if I was just a little bit earlier with things.. things would be a bit more grand.

A perfect example was last night at my hockey game.

My team was down 4 to 2 with three minutes left in the game and we had a powerplay. We pulled our goalie and played 6 on 4 in their zone. We dominated the puck the entire time. We had plenty of opportunities and there was only two clears. One of which was a high stick that brought the puck back into our zone. Quickly, we threw our goalie back in. Got the puck out of the zone and pulled him again.

After almost two minutes of no scoring. I went on the ice. Bill Nolan got a goal with 18 seconds left. We lost the faceoff. The other team had possession and were playing with it. We regained the puck went into their zone and were fumbling around. I remember standing in front of the net and looking up at the clock and seeing 5 seconds. I turn down see a man behind the net pass the puck out and I took the shot to put it in the net as the buzzer went off. It would have tied the game and we would have gone into a shoot out. I turned around to look at the ref and it wasn't counted. It was less than a half of a second late.

It was such a downer. My team is pretty notorious for getting our asses handed to us. We played like a team. We played well and we were playing one of the better teams in the league.

It was just so frustrating to have it end that way. But these sort of things happen a little too frequently for my taste. It seems like I am always just a second too late.

And it just goes back to the Lewis Carroll quote.. Which form of the proverb do you prefer better late than never or better never than late?

Would I rather be late for something.. and at least have the experience to live down? Or would I just prefer to not experience it all and have never been too late.

I suppose it's hard to say one way or the other. There are some things I'd rather not experience at all. However, there are some things that are quite obviously better late than never. It's a bit tricky really. Because some things wouldn't happen regardless of how late or not late I may be. It's just a mess within a mess within itself. Because regardless of preference, I'm sure to run into being late and I'm sure to hate it.

But if I had to choose.. I suppose I'd still prefer better late than never. Just because even through all of the terrible experiences.. there is sure to be at least one wonderful one. And if nothing more, there is always an experience.

It's absolute that I am pretty positive that I'm absolutely and positively lost with my life.

I know that I've said the same thing over and over again throughout the existence of this journal. But it's the truth. I'm working on finding direction. I'm working on finding meaning in the happenings of my day to day experiences. It just isn't working out all that well.

I've been thinking and making some internal pacts with myself over the past few days. They are just things that I have been mulling over. A majority of it is discovering some kind of direction for my future.. while some of it is just trying to make sure that I don't forget about today.

My problem is always looking at tomorrow. I can't seem to fix that. But it's not just me. It comes from everyone with every situation. It's the "I like you's.. but let's be friends for a while.." It's the "We should definitely do this someday's..." It's the "We'll fix this tomorrow's..".

Waiting gets old. I'm tired of playing the waiting game. I'm tired of putting things off for another day. Why do we have to wait until tomorrow to do something about today? If you like me, tell me. If you want to do something, let's do it. If something needs to get fixed, there's no better time than the present.

I'm a hypocrite, I know. But at least I'm working on it. I'm stuck in a world that's hell bent on building a tomorrow while forgetting about today. I work 16 hour days so that I can get more money for tomorrow. I sit around with a pen and paper illustrating ideas.. penning numbers and figures trying to calculate what I need in life. But what's so bad about tomorrow that I need to build it up to be that something more? What's so bad about today that I need to spend it all focusing on tomorrow?

I don't get it. I mean.. know I need to work and thankfully, I enjoy my job. I make the most of it when I'm there.. but I usually waste the time I'm off. Or waste time by staying when I could potentially leave. I wish I was someone that could make the most of everything. Make the most of work, make the most of my time off. Make the most of it all. There's not many people out there that are like that.. but there are some. And fuck am I envious of that.

It feels like all of my time is wasted because it's worrying about the future. It's sitting around thinking, She likes me. She likes me not. It's calculating numbers, trying to figure out how much money it will cost me to buy extravagant things I don't need. It's twiddling my thumbs, with nothing but ideas of the future, my wants, my needs and my desires.

.. And it's all pointless. I'm exhausted from it all.

I'm honestly tired of chicks. I'm tired of putting myself out there and having things blow up one way or another. Nothing ever works out. If it appears to have potential, it has more than the potential to burn out. It's inevitable. I'm done with initiating. I'm done with being the one to fix things and to make them right. It seems that I'm always stuck with that responsibility. Even when it is just casually dating or hanging out but especially when it comes to relationships. It always falls on me. And I am most definitely over it.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm a nice guy. In nine out of ten cases, I'm far too nice. I do too much for people. I do things that they would never do for me. I do things that go unnoticed or unappreciated. And I don't know why I do them. I'm seriously starting to understand why most guys are assholes. Being the good guy.. the nice guy is over rated. It doesn't get me anywhere.

And really, I don't know where I am going with my life. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. There are some immediate plans and some changes that I'm making.. but otherwise.. I'm still lost.

I'm going to be buying a computer for my studio.. probably an iMac thanks to one, Chris Perry. I am going to write and record music in my recording studio pretty much non stop for the next year. Which is my next change.. Music.. I plan on putting the next year to the test. I'm giving music the next year of my life. My band with Matt and Kev will get all that I can give. As well as demoing at home. If nothing happens by the end of 09', I will more seriously consider my other options. I.e. Life after college.. the real world.

But let's hope I won't have to fall back on my degree.

I figured that this would be the perfect time to reflect on another year coming to an end.. with less than 11 hours remaining in the year.. I think that we can consider this my final farewell to 2008.

I'm not sure where 2008 went. To be honest, I'm not sure where any of the past five years have gone. I remember flashes of high school.. I remember graduating.. I remember applying to a single college because I was forced to.. and I remember going there because I got accepted. I didn't look at colleges because I didn't care. I just got in and went. I don't remember much of college. I'll give a brief overview.. but I'll save my college talk for a future post.

I remember my first year.. living on campus like three days a semester. I remember playing guitar for the drunk kids outside of Mimosa and playing piano in the lounge late at night. But there's not much else that I remember.

I remember my second year.. getting a phone call in August from Chris Perry saying that he was going to be my room mate. And I had no idea what was going on. I moved in. He was the best room mate I could ask for. I had so much fun living with him.. but it was short lived. It only lasted a semester.. then I got a new room mate from Korea in and that didn't work to say it nicely. I don't remember much else.

I remember my third year.. I stayed room mates with Rob, Chris and Chris's friend Brian moved in. They are all good guys and I enjoyed living with them. I remember bubble hockey tournaments in the apartment. I remember being the first one to have a Wii and the bowling tournaments. I remember inviting all of my friends over and ordering pizza for everyone. I remember meeting someone in the Fall of 06' that would change a lot for me. She would pretty much change a very big outlook in my life.. and I'll never forget that or her. She had a unique way of always making me smile.

I remember my fourth year.. I stayed room mates with the same guys. We had a townhouse. It was incredible. I remember getting Sawyer and taking him to the townhouses. But things weren't all that great. After a while, things weren't right. No one was happy. And it just became a constant mess. I gained a ton of weight and I just became miserable. Nothing felt right.. Nothing felt like I was alive or living.

And now the first half of my fifth year of college has come to a close.. I am graduating with a degree in Writing Arts from Rowan University. I have no idea where I am going with my life or what I am doing. I plan on focusing on my band as much as I physically can because it's all I have right now.

Anyway.. now more specifically to 2008.. and not just prior reflections.

I'm not really sure what happened to the year. I'm not really sure where it went or what I did. The days just blend. So much of it is nothing more than a diluted memory slowly washing and fading.

The beginning of the year was the rink.. and it was filled with drama.. fighting.. and working 60 hours a week.. It just complicated itself and I lost track of days and time. I went to sleep to wake up to work to sleep.. to repeat it again. 

After the rink was a chance to slow down.. but things didn't. There was so much drama and fighting that it just felt like it never ended. It was a chance to wind down from work but I was still miserable.. and things still took the shape of splattered ink.

The summer came and it was a welcome change.. things slowed down.. I worked but I didn't work a ton. I made more than enough money to get by.. I went to the shore.. Some days seemed real. Some of it felt like I was someone. It was a chance to feel alive and to laugh and to be with my friends.

Fall came and with that came school.. Which I wasn't welcoming per se. It was my first year not living on campus.. and it was a realization that this is it. This is the last semester that I can say that I'm just a college kid. It's the last opportunity for me to blame my nonsensical antics and my lack of responsibility on being a college kid. Because I have no excuse for having no direction now. I have no excuse for being a no one and for not knowing what or who I am. The one thing that kept me grounded, as silly as this sounds, was my class on Tuesday nights..

It was the most ridiculous class in the world.. Workshop in Art: Puppetry. But in all honesty you have no idea how fantastic it really was. It was by far my favorite class in college. It was full of experiences and people that I will never forget. I had so much fun in there and it just made me realize.. that this is what I missed out on in college. I missed meeting out on new people. To the utmost degree. I was in a relationship the whole time I was in college and I never really realized what I had been missing out on. I didn't think that I needed anything else or anyone else because I was both naive and ignorant. I'm not saying girls and the drama that came with it all. Just meeting people that are fun to be around.. and are fun to talk to. Puppetry seriously was my favorite class in college and it was an experience that I'll not soon forget. I had some of the most ridiculous and awesome conversations in that class... and I had a fucking puppet show. How awesome is that?

Now that school has ended.. I've come to the rink full time. My days continue to blend together. And no matter how much I try to avoid it.. No matter how many times I try to peel them apart or try to separate them.. I can't. There's not much there to avoid the blend. It's all the same. Half of the days I don't know exist and the other half I don't know if I exist. It's depressing as fuck. There's a lot of changes I need to make in my life.. I just don't even know where to start.

I've never made a New Years resolution before because I think they are stupid.. and I don't see why I'm going to make a lifestyle change based on a one digit change in my date. But, what the fuck. Here are general my plans for 2009..


-  Get in better shape.. I started going to the gym a bit but lost that in the recent weeks working.. Just starting to go back again and avoid being a fat mess. I've lost a lot of weight but there's a bit more that I'd like to lose as well as just getting in shape.

-  Get my first tattoo.. Probably my first several.

- Do anything to try to avoid my days blending together. I feel like my life is just a blended, smeared mural of the worst abstract paintings in the world.

- Find direction.. My life is at a standstill. I have no idea what I am doing with it. I don't know what I should do.. Where I should go.. I just don't want to be nothing.. I don't want to be a nobody.

- Feel alive.. I don't know when I stopped feeling.. or when I stopped caring. But I need to find that part of myself.. and I need to figure out what I need to make me happy again. Because I don't even know the last time I was ever truly happy.

That's enough emo banterings for the day. I have to get a shower, eat and go to work. Another New Years Eve party at the rink.. I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Years.

Until 2009,

- Jason

I know by admitting the following statement, I lose some serious cool guy points. However, I will admit to it.

Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll are two of my favorite novels. I started reading Alice in Wonderland again tonight and I just remembered how great of a book it is and I thought that I had to say something about it. Therefore, the subject to my next few posts will probably be Lewis Carroll quotes.

Anyway. Onwards.

I was talking to a friend tonight about being the one that people go to for advice and while there are not an overwhelming amount of people that come to me for advice, there are a few. And I am always there for them. I am also there to give it to anyone that thinks that I can help them. Which is something that happens from time to time.

I'd like to think that I give good advice. I have clear, concise thoughts and solutions to problems. I can analyze a situation well enough to understand both sides of something and come to a logical and reasonable conclusion. 

However, when it comes to myself. No matter how well I know the situation or how much I tell myself to do or not to do something. I do the opposite. If I tell myself to be patient. Don't blow it. I go right ahead impatiently and blow it. If I tell myself to keep quiet, I can't shut up.

And it sucks because I know I'm impatient. I can't wait for an answer or for something to happen. I have to make it happen. I don't know why I do it. I just do. I want a solution to something. I want to know. I crave knowledge and I crave answers. More often than not, it comes off the wrong way and I look like a total creep/asshole/stalker/jerkface etc. But in all reality, I just can't control myself and leave well enough alone.

Generally, I give myself good advice. I just very seldom follow it. Which is unfortunate to the utmost degree. I want nothing more than to be patient. I want nothing more than to not worry about simple nothings. I just want to live and let live. I just want to let things ride out on their own account. Yet, I always have to take things into my own hands and spoil them before they are able to come into fruition.

I never really know what to do. I over think and over analyze everything. Just because I can. Because I think that if I think about it more. Or if I keep analyzing it, I might find something. And if I find something I'll know what to do. But you can never really know what to do. No matter how much evidence you have, no matter how many pros outweigh your cons, you will never absolutely have an answer. And without an absolute definite answer, you're sure to make the wrong decision.  (At least I am).

I can't tell you how many things I fuck up because I'm confused. I can't tell you how many things that I've done throughout my life that I regret because I wasn't thinking clearly or because I was impatient. And it's not that I regret saying things. It's not that I take back what I said. It was just the wrong time. It was just the wrong place.

Maybe if I could find a way to hold back just a little bit longer. If I could just ride my reserve a little bit longer, things wouldn't be so bad.  But I'll never be able to hold anything in. I'm afraid to not say something. Because I'm tired of games. I'm tired of holding things back. I lost a lot of friends, I missed a lot of opportunities, I made a lot of mistakes, and I regret a lot of things because I held myself back. I held back my thoughts, I held back my ideas, I held back my feelings, and I held back what I had to say. And I regret it. So I face myself in a duel with every thought. I could hold back and analyze a situation, thoroughly evaluating every option or I could say what I think and get it off this heavy heart. But I never know what to do. I still don't know what to do. I know what I think that I want.

But for now.. I just know that  I don't want to miss out on anything.

I don't want to hold anything back.

I don't want to miss a thing.

And on a final note, I just realized, It's 3:40 AM and that it is indeed Christmas. So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
 

I'm not sure what keeps people grounded where they are. I'm not sure what keeps people locked in place. And I'm not sure what makes people come back for more of something they already know didn't work out in the past.

I'm not citing any one person, event, or example in this entry so don't get your panties in a bunch. This isn't about you. It's about me and my experiences/thoughts/etc.

I'm going to go on a limb and be the one that says it, relationships suck. Women suck. Guys suck. Together, they suck. Don't get me wrong, if a wonderful (and sane) girl comes along that loves Zombies, Video Games, Star Wars, and Lost.. I'll marry her immediately. But really, let's face it. Those girls are taken.

Almost all of my friends are going through some sort of trivial bullshit problem with someone that they like.

Some of my friends are trying to get someone back. Some of my friends are trying to win someone over. Some of my friends are trying to keep their relationship together and then some are just wondering why they ever bothered in the first place.

If I had to choose one category, I'd choose "Why did I even bother in the first place".

Why, you ask?

Today's history lesson:

I've been in a relationship since the time I was 17. There was a few small breaks here and there in which I was single. However, for the most part for the past 5 years of my life I have been in a committed relationship. 

In that 5 years, I have never cheated on either of my exes. Throughout those 5 years, I have never lied to either of my exes. However, neither of my exes reciprocated those gestures which of course, is awesome.

I know they say hindsight is 20/20.. But there are so many choices that I would have made differently and there are so many things that I would have said and done but didn't. And I am full of regret. I would have saved myself and others a lot of wasted time. We all would have been a lot happier a lot sooner. Because honestly, I am happier single. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the fact that neither of my relationships worked out. Maybe it's just because they weren't the right people. Maybe I really have no idea.

There are so many things that I feel like I missed out on. I lived at college for four years. All of which I was in a relationship. I'm not saying that I'd run around making out with every chick who gave me a second glance.. I'm most definitely not that type of guy. However, just the prospect of meeting people. I'm not even talking about just chicks. Although, it would have been nice to have talked to some of the chicks that I met more.. In general, there were just a lot of really cool people that I met throughout college that I never got to hang out with because I was always with my significant other. There's so much regret in me that it's pathetic.

As almost all of my friends can attest, well at least the ones I divulged this type of stuff to, I have always been big on the relationship thing. I always just wanted to be there for someone as much as they wanted to be there for me. I wanted a romantic relationship where both people got along and both people put an equal amount of effort in. Basically, the kind of shit fairy tales spit out. More or less, the type of relationship that very rarely exists.  I know a few people in those relationships, those relationships where they are so happy it's pretty sickening.. but also makes you envious as fuck. Yeah, I've wanted one of those but I suppose really, who doesn't?

My relationships were all but those things. Thinking back on both of my relationships just makes me exhausted. I'm tired of the secrets. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of cheating. I'm tired of being the one that fixes everything. I'm tired of being the only one throwing effort down. I'm tired of being stuck.

Relationships only work with honesty and equal effort. Which I have a hard time believing exists. You can call me crazy. I'll call it experience. Almost every chick that I've ever seriously talked to has lied to me on one level or another and it gets old. What is so hard about being honest? I have no problem being honest with someone. I don't know why people have to lie about anything and everything. It's utterly unbelievable. I have trust issues something terrible and there is no way that I could have a relationship with someone that lies to me off the bat. I've been there, done that. It doesn't work.

I can't understand how or why people try to sustain relationships that just aren't working out. I know it's hard to break up with someone. I've been there. It's hard. But you're not helping anyone by staying in a failed relationship, especially yourself. You're only going to regret it later.

Get out. 

Move on.

At the moment, I'm happy being single. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time and I'm not necessarily actively seeking a relationship. If it comes along, it comes along. Again, if I come across a chick that loves star wars, music, zombies, movies, and video games as much as I do. She'll have my heart at hello. But those chicks are taken and I'm not holding my breath.

I am at an interesting point in life.

I'm not sure why I used interesting particularly.. because there is a variety of words that could fit in that spot and still have it make total sense. Including but not limited to: frustrating, depressing, aggravating, and perplexing.

As of (approximately) December 16th, I will have finished college and be graduating with a bachelor's degree in Writing Arts from Rowan University. At this point in time, I should probably be ecstatic that I am done college. I should be excited to move on to the next point of my life and start a role within the realm of the "real world".

But I'm not.

I'm done college. But I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Not anymore than I did five years ago when I started college.I more or less just went with Writing Arts, because I could finish the degree in approximately the amount of time I should be graduating and because I am good at writing.

But am I even good at it? I can get myself through classes. I can write papers, stories, poems, etc. I can write anything for a grade because in my honest opinion, anyone can. You are given a guideline and you follow the guideline. You write to your audience's expectation. In the case of school, it is your teacher or your professor. The first time around, your first paper might be a low B or a low A. But you take your professor's expectations from that paper and put it in the rest of the papers and just like that you have yourself an A. It's not very difficult and even the most moronic students have been able to repeat the process.

Nevertheless, I got sidetracked.

Why did I pick writing? Was it because it was the easy way out? Perhaps. I don't really know. The thing is, I don't know what I want to do with myself. I like so many different things. I dabbled in it all and I just couldn't decide, so I took the easy way out. I became a writer. There are so many things that I wanted to do. And I just couldn't decide..

I wanted to be a teacher.. but once I saw the curriculum I decided to stray away from it. There was too much work to do for someone who wasn't positive if he wanted to enter the field. The last thing I wanted to do was go through that entire process to discover that I wasn't good at it or that I didn't want to do it.

I wanted to enter psychology.. I am fascinated with the way things work.. especially the mind. It fascinates me why people do the things they do. Again, I use the word fascinating but that could be replaced with a billion other adjectives. It's perplexing. But again, I don't know what I would do within the field and I know that anything less than a master's degree is useless. That is a lot of work and study for something I am not sure I wanted to do.

I wanted to enter the Radio/TV/Film world.. but in all reality. I'm behind. People started getting into this stuff back in high school. Some of them even started in middle school. I am way behind. It's a lot to learn in such a small amount of time. Not to mention, if I was going to enter into the field.. Rowan University probably isn't the best place to study it.

There are tons more.. Producer/engineer for a recording studio.. Artist.. Musician.. You name it.. But really what is the point of going into it all when I already wasted five years of my life "studying" writing.

College is and has been a joke. It doesn't challenge me. It bores me. If I can wait until the night before multiple projects are due, finish them and get an A on them with little to no effort.. something is wrong. I know that I don't try in college. I know that I don't make that extra little bit of effort to make something of it. And I don't know why. I should have been writing articles for Rowan's publications. I should have done a lot of things that I didn't. I feel like I wasted the past five years of my life and I feel like I'm just going to waste the rest of my life away because I have no motivation. It's not that I don't have motivation per se. I have an obsessive part of my personality that is my only motivation. If I get something in my head, I won't stop until I get there. Then once I'm there, I don't know what to do with myself.

I get tired and bored and no longer care.

There's something inside of me that just doesn't care about anything. I don't get attached to things or people. I don't get excited for things. I have no problem letting things go. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know it sounds melodramatic, but it's just like I'm dead inside. It's not like this is a phase. I've felt this way for a long time. It just progressively get's worse. I care less and less. Which I never thought was truly possible.

I'm just so absolutely and positively lost.

I have been trying to not post on here unless I have something absolutely specific to talk about. Or something with some kind of general overtone that I might want to contribute or vent about. I'm not sure where this lies in the spectrum of it all. But I decided that I'd make a post. It has a little bit of everything I suppose.

I'm so lost these days. I try to make so many different things happen but just create more choices and more problems. But I suppose that is what I have always done. Everything these days is about this or that. I look into both sides of the scale and try my best to balance them or better yet, make a decision. Or in the case of Boy Meets World, see which option gets more Jelly Beans.

There are not nearly enough pros and cons to distinguish what I should be doing with my life or what decisions I should be making. Everything draws me back to a stale mate. Everything has a drawback to it. There is no win/win situation. Everything I do has a consequence that I will have to endure.

Everything from telling someone how I feel about them to trying to understand a situation. It all leads to an inevitable end of something. But this is something that I've had to learn to deal with and understand, or at least try to.

I'm tired of holding back. I'm tired of not telling people how I feel. I'm tired of feeling insecure about what I do and what I think. Because the honest truth is, there are very few people out there that have an opinion that matters to me. But those few people mean the world to me. Whether they realize it or not.

And it's sad because some of these people I've lost contact with years ago and I will probably never ever have any kind of relationship with them again.

I went out to lunch today with two friends of mine that used to be my absolute best friends. We also talked about one other friend that was my best friend, since I can remember. It just made me think, what happened to us? What brings us to the cross road and what makes us choose such different paths? I am not saying that any one of us took a better path than the other. Or that any of us took a worse path. It's just funny that four of us that were such best friends, took such radically different roads.

Honestly, I'd give the world to have those friendships back to the way that they were. Without all the dings and dents that they have been put through over the years. Reflecting back on it, I wonder what went wrong. Where could we have salvaged the pieces and created something more out of these friendships? None of us have been the best at retaining the relationship.. I wish I could go back and help change some of the paths that they've taken and hope that they'd do the same for me. There are a lot of mistakes that I have made that I would die to change.

Of course, with the loss of these friendships spawned various new ones throughout the years. And don't get me wrong, I have friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. Currently, I thank whatever deity you may believe in. I have a lot of good friends that I can rely on, a lot of people that I'm not sure what I would do without.

I just wonder about all of the what if's. The people I miss. The relationships and friendships that got fucked.

It's 2:11.. I have class soon. So on that note, I bid you farewell.

I have never been able to understand people. And honestly, I probably never will be able to understand them. It is not because they are unpredictable. It is actually quite the contrary. It is because they are predictable and swear up and down, over and over again that they are not. And that certain things will not happen. Yet, three to four days later the inevitable is plastered worldwide.

Of course, this post is in reference to someone doing something at exactly my expectations. However, this is more than relevant to just about anything and anyone.

People are always rushing to get something done. They are always rushing to get somewhere. I am definitely guilty. I am always focusing on what is to come. What I have to do to get somewhere. What I have to do to be someone. But in the mean time, I am no one. I am a man of plans. I have plenty of ideas, plans to implement. I have a future built and structured. But today, I am nothing. I lost a lot of friends. I let go a lot of people that I regret letting go of.

I have missed out on so much because I am trying to be someone.. and because I am trying to get somewhere. I've never learned to appreciate who I am and who I have become. There are so many missed opportunities.. There are so many people I miss.. And there are so many things that I wish that I could change.

But I can't. I can't make someone miss me. I can't make old opportunities arise.. I can't make anything that happened change. I can only bury my mistakes and learn from them.